Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
*gets down on one knee*
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no