@Loli_Sug

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

You Might Also Like

@schumoo

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

@deephora_

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@msdanifernandez

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

@slimmy_shady

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@AllanForsyth

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

@craigstone_

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

@DreamsSarcastic

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine