Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking


“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.


Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.


“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.


I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.


Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.


Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.


Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.


Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine