Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
never compromise your values
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.