Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
cat faces on other animals, a thread
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance