Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
How your email finds me
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
That’s easy for you to say
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family