“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.