“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”