Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.