Never let them know your next move 😂
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Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!