Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
You Might Also Like
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
How I’d get arrested…
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers