Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.