Never mess with a drunken pig.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?