“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
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You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
mathematically impossible
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too