Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him