Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.