Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.