Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it