Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.