Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Lmbo
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.