Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying