Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only