Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.


I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”


I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.


*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*


Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?


Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.


“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”


“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out


Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.