clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.