Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.