Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I thought this was funny lol
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*