Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Every work call, he judges.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.