Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I have two kinds of followers