Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation