Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet