Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Wait a second…
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.