never stops being funny
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50