Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.