Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
it was a valiant fight
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD