Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
