Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird