never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
You Might Also Like
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.