never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

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Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.


me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened


My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.


I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’


So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.


Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”


My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.


I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”