Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*