Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a


Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.


Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…


*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Me-You’ve changed


I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.


Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!


Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.


I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.


SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?


Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven