Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…