Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I identify as an antique shop.
Peace was never an option
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
We’re all getting idioter.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?