Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.