Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Not today. 😅
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids