Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*