Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update