@Hello___Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

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@MelvinofYork

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@ka_waltz

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

@noog

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War