Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
get you a girl who
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.