@VerbsRProudest

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

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@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

@BuckyIsotope

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

@NeinQuarterly

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

@wildethingy

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@DrunjAF

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.