Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My wife gives the best headache.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[montage of me giving-up]
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Monday