@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

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@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@CynicalTherapi1

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

@Modi_defence

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

@Tmoney68

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

@MoistPork

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games