Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.