Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.


HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!


When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.


Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.


I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?


*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.


GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?


Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.


Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?


“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games