@honeybadgerMel
@jlock17 A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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@jlock17 
@Kirangandhi HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
@CynicalTherapi1 When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
@Jennuflect Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
@Modi_defence I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
@Tmoney68 *phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
@MoistPork Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
@JulieSnark Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
@InternetHippo “Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
@greenmartinis Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.