Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
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Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Golf would be better with landmines.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
yall want some gasoline milk
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.