Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Netflix: We have Less
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that