Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Animal poetry
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Swedish for common sense.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.