Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
War & Peace
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Liquor Store Parking
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“You drive, I’m tired.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.