Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”