@trevso_electric

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

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@mzeld

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

@That_Damn_Duck

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

@TheBlessMess

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

@LuckoftheDraw86

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

@KimmyMonte

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram