@trevso_electric

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

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@huntigula

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@Smooheed

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

@javroar

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

@

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

@Sinj1

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.