“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose