~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.


HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!


ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!


Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.


I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.


These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.


*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation