New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.